Rephrase Lenina's saying "Was and will make me ill. I take a gramme and only am."Ahh, help. I've read this over and still do not...

This line is from Chapter Six of Aldous Huxley's
Brave New World.  In Part 3 of this chapter, against her misgivings
about Bernard, Lenina has decided to go with him to the Reservation. But, when she
realizes that she cannot understand what the Warden is saying, she swallows half a
gramme of soma so that she can
sit,

serenely
not listening, thinking of nothing at all, but with her large blue eyes fixed on the
Warden's face in an expression of rapt
attention.

While Lenina sits
there in a soma daze, Bernard remembers that he has left the scent machine on in his
bathroom.  Anxiety sets in as he mentally counts how much this forgetful act will cost
him.  So, when they have a chance, Bernard grabs Lenina and rushes to call Helmholtz. 
When he complains that they could already be with the savages, Lenina offers,  "Have a
gramme."

He
refused, preferring his anger.  And at last, thank Ford, he was through and, yes, it was
Helmholtz...

Then, Helmholtz
on the other line informs Bernard that the D.H.C. has mentioned Iceland for Bernard as a
punishment.  Pale and dejected, Bernard turns to Lenina, who asks him what is the
matter.  Bernard tells her he is going to be sent to Iceland.  He is "appalled" as he
ponders that the threats of the Director have been made serious.  As Bernard rages
against himself,  calling himself a fool, and saying it was unfair of the Director not
to give him another chance "And Iceland,
Iceland...."

Sensing Bernard's consternation and anger,
Lenina becomes upset.  She recites her
conditioning:  

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"Was and will make me ill....I take a gramme and
only am."

Lenina has been
taught to take soma any time that she becomes upset as she has done
when listening to the Warden. Bernard's anger frightens Lenina because this is against
her well-conditioned view of life with soma and happiness.  Her
recitation of the phrase is testimony to her conditioning and her being made to not want
more than she can do or handle.  When she recites, "Was and will......and only am,"
Lenina is saying that things are confusing her; she does not want to think about them,
and the consequencs may not turn out as she has planned. Rather than worry and be made
ill, she is going to take soma and just "be"--just exist.