Okay. Not bad - actually - cute intro, good use of
parallelism and big vocabulary. I like your Bollywood idea - and I hope your reader
knows Bollywood because it is a little obscure and possibly reserved for true film geeks
(but maybe I'm wrong, is it very popular among your
friends?).
You have me interested, certainly. I do have a
couple of questions. First, who is your audience and what is the purpose of this
essay? Is this a college entrance essay or a "letter to my roommate?" You start with
"Dear Roommate..." perhaps this is tied up in your second part - but I fear you need to
get to your point a little quicker. Clearly your first paragraph is all a hook - but
even in these first two paragraphs I'm thinking, "Yeah yeah yeah, what's the point?"
Where is your thesis? And what does the part about "magic" at the beginning have to do
with anything? Again, I realize you have possible tied these things in in the part you
cannot post - BUT - my thought is, it doesn't come soon enough. I'm not saying cut it.
Connect it. You risk sounding a little cliche if you don't make a connection a little
quicker.
Also - your humor is subtle but clear. I like
it. You actually sound like a cool student who I would be interested to have in my
class - I say this honestly. Don't overshadow your wit with too many thesaurus-esque
words (when I lack a good word I like to make one up). Even as a teacher, I found
myself re-reading the opening lines and asking, "Do those words appropriately compliment
each other?" Be careful of coming across too strong. Keep things subtle and
underdone if that makes sense. I mean, you've got a line
"...contemplating which one would
captivate..." I'm just trying to advise you NOT to weed
out big words, but weed out unnecessary adjectives. "...monotonous hour of
unproductivity..." well, if it wasn't productive of course
it was monotonous. This just sounds a little redundant to me. And by the way, no such
word as un-productivity. Maybe try (to keep your humor) "...hour of negative
productivity..." or something like that.
Anyway - don't
want to leave you on a note of criticism. I actually think you have a clear voice and
you do not sound typical (good for getting noticed). I can also tell by this snippet of
writing that you are smart (again, a plus). Don't overdo it. Subtlety, done well, in
my opinion, is the best writing technique to master.
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